Thursday, March 11, 2004

Sectarian Humor From Both Ends of the Spectrum: Amish & Unitarians

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE

l0. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'Kiss' makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou suck!'

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'

5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap.'

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: 'Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening.'

2. Was recently pulled over for 'driving under the influence of cottage cheese.'

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards

Some Unitarian Humor

1. Unitarian-Universalists (UU) are the people who pray, "To whom it may concern....

2. What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who goes door-to-door looking for a discussion.

3. A vain fellow saves up his money for years and years to buy a Mercedes loaded with all the options. As he wants to take care of his new car in every possible way, he goes to visit the priest near his home to ask him
to bless the Mercedes. He says, "Father, will you say a blessing over my Mercedes?" However, the priest looking somewhat puzzled, says, "Well, of course my son, but I'm a bit confused. Is Mercedes your daughter or your wife?"

So the fellow leaves and goes to see a rabbi. He says, "Rabbi, will you say a blessing over my Mercedes?" The Rabbi too looks puzzled and says, "Why certainly, though I'm a bit confused. Is Mercedes your house or your business?"

Exasperated, the fellow excuses himself. On his way home, he passes a Unitarian Universalist building and decides to stop in and visit the minister. He says, "Would you be willing to say a blessing over my Mercedes?" To which the UU minister replies, "I'm sorry, I'm really
confused. I know what a Mercedes is, but what is a blessing?"

4. Three Unitarian-Universalists arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter offers them a deal: "I'm going to ask each of you a question, and if you answer correctly, I'll let you into heaven. But if you get it wrong, then you must go straight to Hell." The three UU's figure this is as good a
deal as they're likely to get, so they agree.

So, Peter asks the first one, "Explain the meaning of Easter.." The guy scratches his head, and says "Isn't that where there's a fat guy in a red suit with reindeer, and you get some presents, and -- AAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!"
St. Peter hits the big red button by his chair and the poor fellow is hurled into the pit of Hell.

So St. Peter asks the second man the same question. He looks confused and thinks for a while and then says, "Um, yeah, you've got this bunny hopping around hiding eggs under bushes, and -- AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!"
St. Peter hits the button again and he's cast down to the place of eternal damnation.

The third UU steps up and St. Peter asks him the same question. He's prepared for this, however - he took a Comparative Religions course through the RE department at his church, and he knows his stuff. "OK, Jesus was arrested in Gethsemane after Judas betrayed him, he was hauled before Pilate and sentenced to death, then he was crucified on the Mount of Calvary outside Jerusalem and buried in a tomb with a rock rolled in front of the door."

As St. Peter listens to the third man, he starts to sit back in his chair and relax. "Today is going to be a good day," he thinks to himself, "because I get to be an instrument of the Lord's mercy and help someone come to Heaven. However, as he begins to reach for the big green button
he hears the man continue: "and when Jesus came out of the tomb and saw his shadow, the people knew there would be six more weeks of winter until -- AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!"

5. Why can't UUs sing very well in choirs? Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next verse.

6. What's the difference between a Universalist and a Unitarian? Universalists think God is too good to send them to hell. Unitarians think they are too good for God to send them to hell.

7. A UU family moves into a new neighborhood. Their little girl finds a new playmate, and they are happily getting to know each other. One day, the playmate says, "We're Episcopalians, what are you?" The UU child thinks
for a minute and says, "I'm not sure, but I think we're League of Women Voters."

8. A UU Yuletide Song: Gods Rest Ye, Unitarians

Gods rest ye, Unitarians,
let nothing you dismay;
Remember there's no evidence
there was a Christmas Day;
When Christ was born
is just not known,
no matter what they say,
O, Tidings of reason and fact,
reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

Our current Christmas customs
are from Persia and from Greece,
from solstice celebrations
of the ancient Middle East.
This whole darn Christmas spiel
is just another pagan feast,
O, Tidings of reason and fact,
reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

There was no star of Bethlehem,
there was no angels' song;
There could not have been wise men
for the trip would take too long.
The stories in the Bible
are historically wrong,
O, Tidings of reason and fact,
reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact!

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ROFL Fabulous humor! And no, none of this is from me (in case anyone is wondering). Forwards in e-mails . . . .




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